SIMPLE JACK



If God is a DJ, he never played at Faces

SIMPLE JACK



Mitch Winehouse is no Jeff Brazier

JACKO ISN'T DEAD!



Karl Howman, who played Jacko in classic sitcom Brush Strokes, is still alive

PHILOSOPHY CORNER



If a chicken has sex with an egg, who comes first?

COULDN'T RESIST

Andy Murray celebrates victory








SIMPLE JACK



When they said I'd clear up inside, I thought they meant at poker : (


BUZZ GROWING AROUND VINNIE JONES' LATEST ACTING ROLE



But only because he's acting by a beehive

VINNIE JONES TO RECEIVE POSTHUMOUS OSCAR



Only on condition that someone kill him first

PETER ANDRE GOES ON SCHOOL SHOOTING RAMPAGE, SHOUTING "I LOVE THOSE KIDS!"



Celibate Cypriot pop hunk Peter Andre went on the rampage at a primary school in Sussex this morning, leaving 15 children dead and several others injured, before he was killed in a shootout with police.

The "Insania" star entered the school in Hayward Heath, a town of 57,000 near Brighton, at about 9.30am (8.30am GMT) and began firing.

Dressed in black combat gear, he killed nine students and three teachers at the school, as well as one person at a nearby clinic, before fleeing in a car. As he systematically stalked and killed his young prey, Andre could be hears loudly shouting "I love those kids!" and singing smooth vocal harmonies. At one point he was heard by a witness who escaped muttering "Got to lay that one down in the studio, mate".

A video released on the star's personal website that morning saw a visibly upset Pete reveal the motives behind his attack - his love of childen Junior, Princess and Harvey, and his anxiety that the schoolkids might one day bully them or harm them in some way. Also, the strain of having stayed celibate for almost a year, which is understandable.


Sussex police said that they would normally want to take Andre in for immediate incarceration, but they really felt for the guy everyone has dubbed "Saint Peter" and instead recommended he just got some rest and stayed away from that bitch Jordan.

Peter will be revealing the REAL reasons why he did it, only in this week's OK! magazine.

HAITI EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS: IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IF WE MEET JLS




"And Joe McElderry...he's lovely!"

ONLY IN THE SUN: VINNIE JONES' £400 SOCK SPEAKS!




The interview they all wanted - the pricey sock that made the nation rock.

Lifting the lid on his cheesy footed hell, the tormented hosiery reveals:

  • He bullied me relentlessly too
  • He made me pretend I was an Oscar so he could carry me around and make long winded, bitter acceptance speeches
  • He kept namedropping "Bobby" DeNiro, "Dusty" Hoffman and "Al" Pacino.
  • He once wanked into me while watching Babestation
  • His feet stink
  • He's got bunions
  • I slept with his teenage daughter - I accidentally got into her duvet in the laundry.
  • And much more!

ALEX REID HAS A LOT ON HIS MIND



"Does this belt go with my jeans?"

I'VE GOT MUSCULAR DISS TROPHY



"We present you with this trophy for services to mocking people's muscles"

ANY DAY NOW...

DarkBeige will be returning once more.



Any day now...



MORE SIMPLE JACK



If Alex reid is "The Reidanator", I'm the Tweedanator!

SIMPLE JACK



Jordan famously said that rapists should be raped. Well guess what happened to me last night...

DARK BEIGE RADIO - PODCAST 17: 2020 VISION



Final podcast of series 1 - the past and the future discussed


NEW FACEBOOK GROUP ANGRILY DEMANDS GOD STOP IT SNOWING - NOW!



"We're sticking it to the man! You can't tell us what to do! We're sick of all this corporate snow bullshit!" a spokescunt for the group said. "YEAH!!!"

TREACHEROUS WEATHER CONDITIONS



"Let's kill the Queen!"

MY FAVOURITE THINGS, WITH "SAINT" PETER ANDRE



He really loves those kids!


Favourite Film: Kids





Favourite Musicians: Kid Cudi or Kid N Play. Or the Utah Saints. Or All Saints.






Favourite Team: Got to be the New Orleans Saints





Favourite Fashion Label: All Saints






Favourite Model: Jodie Kidd






Favourite Chess Move: The Kings Indian Defence (KID) Move

SAME GRIT, DIFFERENT DAY



Cold weather and travel chaos hits Britain AGAIN


CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER - THE HOUSEMATES IN A WORD




Swede



Cunt



Rape



Whatever



GILF



Closet



Croydon



Burns


Boy



Kneesocks



Jordan