HOLLYWOOD RAPES YOUR CHILDHOOD AGAIN



Total Recall remake on the way

GOLDEN GUUS





(Hiddinck)

BONO: DON'T PUSH ME 'COS I'M CLOSE TO THE EDGE



"He's a good mate. Don't hassle me for it"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE



TV causes child obesity (according to new report), then features the same fat kids it caused on its shows.

MAYOR McCHEESE FINALLY RETIRES



"It's time to step aside and let someone else be mayor. I've had a good run".

JESUS HARRASSED BY FRAT BOYS AT FESTIVAL



"Come on man, walk on water or something!"



"Oh no, I couldn't"



"Come on, stop being a pussy! JESUS! JESUS! MIRACLE! MIRACLE! Come on, turn this water into wine or something"



"It doesn't work like that. It has to be spontaneous"



"You fag"

WHICH NOEL FITS THE TV HOLE?



The BBC are dusting off the old Noel's House Party format and reinventing it for a new generation. TV bosses feel that due to the credit crunch and tough times in the real world, what people really need is more upbeat light entertainment magic from down Crinkly Bottom way.

However,a problem has presented itself in Noel Edmonds' increasingly strange behaviour on Noels HQ, not to mention his refusal to pay the TV license.




So now bosses are scratching their head, wondering which other celebrity Noel could step into Edmonds' size 10 shoes. A shortlist has now been drawn up, that includes:


Noel Gallagher, Rock star (5/1)




Pros: Dry sense of humour, cool big name guests.

Cons: Might chin Blobby.


Noel Fielding, Comedian (30/1)



Pros: Exuberance and energy.

Cons: Bit of a nob.


Noel Clarke, Actor & Writer (50/1)



Pros: A positive young role model.

Cons: Not very good with scripted banter.


Noel Godin, Notorious Belgian pie flinger (100/1)



Pros: Good with gunge.

Cons: Not very famous.

I THINK I MIGHT LET THESE TEENS LIVE



By Jason Voorhees

Normally if I saw some handsome young jerk making frantic love to some hot cheerleader, I'd end up using something like a harpoon or hacksaw to gut him before beheading her. But you know what? Today I just don't feel like it.

Then I'd move onto that kooky glasses wearing stoner that wondered off over there, and as he stumbled around looking for his dropped glasses in the dark, I'd stand there so he'd knock against me, before ripping his heart out with my bare hands. But there's something about that geeky kid, about all of these obnoxious young pals, that I like.

I don't know what it is, but there's just something charming about this latest bunch. The jock is a little less moronic, the bitch is a little less slutty. The angry ethnic minority is a pretty chilled out guy!

I don't think I'm going to use this machete on them after all. Might just go and kill a dog or something, satisfy the old blood lust.

These guys are all welcome at Camp Crystal Lake any time.

MILLIONAIRE DOG SLUM



Welcome to North Watts' notorious Creswell district, better known on the streets as "Poochy", the tough LA ghetto full of dogs abandoned by their arrogant millionaire owners when they got bored.

6 year old dachsund Buster, who once briefly belonged to Nicole Richie (until she got bored), told us: "On these mean streets, millionaire dogs better be tough and roll with a posse, or they end up dead".

BRAVE TATTOO



Lovely detail: He has a spot in her teeth.

SHE'S SO RUDDY BLOODY BRAVE!



Brave Jade will face down any challenge!

Brave Jade Goody has been shocking and wowing everyone with her amazing feats of bravery. Already this week she's SAVED A TOT FROM A BURNING BUILDING, WRESTLED A LION and DONE A LOOP THE LOOP ON THE WING OF A PLANE.

But for her next challenge, brave Jade wants to join our boys taking on the Taliban out in Afghanistan. Braving the February cold to talk to reporters, Jade said she was taking on the military challenge to provide money for her boys.

THIS WEEK ONLY IN CLOSER, JORDAN: "THE QUEEN'S A JEALOUS SLAG"





The star lifts the lid on their simmering celeb feud...

  • She's never invited me and Pete to tea at Buckingham Palace

  • She's had loads of work done but always denies it

  • She blanks me because she fancies Pete

  • She's an ugly old bitch with no class

Read about it in Closer now!

GORDON BROWN'S FACIAL TIC GETS HIM IN TROUBLE WITH OBAMA AGAIN



"If you ever leer at my wife like that again, I'll get you. And stop smiling like that"

TALK ABOUT BEAUTY AND THE BEAST



And Paul's the beauty

I REALLY WOULDN'T PROVOKE HIM


THE COLD DEAD EYES OF A KILLER

Georgian Eurovision entry mocks Putin

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7899014.stm

I'M SO BUSY, I'VE HAD TO CLONE MYSELF




By "Katie Price's husband" Peter Andre

Do do do do do, do do do do do, do do do do do, this is insania!

I'm just always so incredibly busy, I don't know if I'm coming or going. What with recording but not releasing songs, looking after the littl'uns and the big'un (Harvey), and doing whatever Katie says, I became so bloody busy that I had to clone myself to get everything done. This was achieved through a science pal I met at a party.



I just did the one at first, so it could go to the shops to get some butter while I laid down some hot new tracks in the studio, to never be heard again.

But then Katie phoned and demanded I come and pick her up in the car from her photoshoot in Manchester, and I realised that this 7 hour round trip was going to totally break up my creative flow in the studio, where I was really beginning to release some magic. So I phoned up the first clone and asked him to quickly clone himself while he was on the way to the shops.



As the second clone was a clone of the first, it meant he did appear a little slow and stupid, which potentially could be a problem. But Katie never lets me get a word in anyway, so I sent him off in the Porsche while I laid down the funk in the studio. Then I was in the middle of singing some smooth grooves when I realised that I really needed to go pee. I'd been drinking Ribena all morning, so it was really no surprise. Clone 1 was off at the shops, 2 was on the road to Manchester, and -1 (me) was crafting some sweet soul music that would make Mick Hucknall jealous! There was only one thing for it - phone 2 and get him to clone himself, then send the clone back here to take a piss for me.



Unfortunately, 3 was a clone of a clone of a clone, and so it came back and went mad and tried to fight Harvey, but lost. And I still needed a piss! Insania!

IF RICHARD BLACKWOOD REALLY IS THE BRITISH WILL SMITH, THEN...





Ronnie Corbett is the British Burt Reynolds



Robson Green is the British George Clooney



Trevor Eve is the British Jack Nicholson



And Will Mellor is the British Johnny Depp